8 Ways to Stay in Love With Your Partner
Expert Advice on Surviving the Difficult Stages of Marriage
Oct 15, 2008
Loving your spouse is easy at the beginning, when quirks are cute and faults are easily overlooked. But after a few years or decades of marriage, those quirks become more difficult to tolerate - much less to smile about!
8 Ways to Stay in Love With Your Partner
1. Untangle money issues. “Often, when couples argue about money, it’s not money that’s the problem,” says William Harley, PhD, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage. “Instead, the money fights are a byproduct of relationship neglect.” Money can become a weapon when one spouse uses the other’s spending habits as ammunition or when a spouse spends money to get even.
2. Get mad at your partner – you’ll live longer. Expressing anger and resolving conflict not only creates a happy marriage, it also lengthens your life span. “When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict,” says Ernest Harburg of the University of Michigan . “Usually nobody is trained to do this.” His research reveals that couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it. To stay in love with your partner, express your angry feelings as well as your loving ones.
3 Tips from Marriage and Family Counselor Lisa Brookes Kift:
1. “Commit to checking in with each other every day, or at least a few times a week without distractions,” says Kift. “Marriages often get “dry” when couples get busy and don’t prioritize each other and get a read or take the pulse of how the other is feeling. Checking in works wonders.”
2. Crack each other up. Stupid pet names, funny looks, and laughing together are great ways to stay in love with your partner. “Humor has a knack for binding couples together and de-escalating conflict,” says Kift. “It also demonstrates friendship in the marriage which is very important.”
3. Be mindful of criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. “If these negative behaviors exist in a marriage, research shows that the chances are much higher for divorce,” says Kift. (It can be easy to fall into the habit of treating one another poorly – but this habit is destructive, and won’t help you stay in love with your partner!).
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT, is the author of Therapy-At-Home Workbooks™: Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples. Visit her at LisaKiftTherapy.com.
3 Marriage Tips from Marriage Expert Mort Fertel
1. Get a room. “Vacations are wonderful settings for romance, but they’re too few and far between,” says Fertel. “Don’t wait for your next vacation to buy new lingerie and plan an exciting evening of romance. Get a room locally for a night. Surprise your husband. Ask him to meet you in the lobby for a drink and then take him upstairs. Prescription for lasting love: five times/year.”
2. Keep a gratitude journal. “The #1 complaint amongst husbands is that they feel unappreciated or taken for granted,” says Fertel. “Get a journal from a stationary store and write down what you appreciated about your husband each day. What did your husband do today that was good? What quality did you notice about him? Write your observations. Then, share one with him. Don’t let a day go by without mentioning to your husband something you appreciated about him today. Prescription for lasting love: daily.”
3. Make sure you look marvelous! “Every husband has seen his wife take an hour to get dressed and put her make-up on before going to a wedding or a party,” says Fertel. “Yet, what do most women do before their husband comes home? Put sweatpants on and take the make-up off! The most important person is not the acquaintance you’re going to see at a party…it’s your husband! Make yourself beautiful for him before he comes home. Prescription for lasting love: daily.” (P.S. Husbands, you can keep yourself attractive for your wives, too! This isn’t just a great way to stay in love for wives).
Mort Fertel is the author and founder of the Marriage Fitness System for Relationship Renewal. Visit MarriageMax.com for more info.
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