Are You Being Manipulated by an Alcoholic?
Alcoholics Manipulate Others with Emotional Tactics
May 17, 2009
Webster’s New World Dictionary defines manipulation as “artful managing or control, often in an unfair and fraudulent way.” The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as “falsification for one’s own purposes or profit.” Among alcoholics, manipulation is most often learned in childhood.
Why Alcoholics are Good at Manipulating Others
Alcoholism is a family disease. Children who grow up in a dysfunctional environment learn shrewdness, deviousness, trickery and dishonesty as ways to cope with their out-of-control parents. At an early age, they develop an extra sensitivity to the emotional state of household members. They are often very intelligent and capable individuals who carry their hard-earned emotional survival skills into adulthood. For them, manipulating is as easy as breathing.
What Emotional Manipulation Does to Others
Part of the welcome statement at a typical Al-Anon meeting reads, “Living with alcoholism is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.”
Codependents typically lose their self-esteem and eventually find themselves exclusively focused on the needs of an alcoholic. Their ability to take care of their own legitimate emotional needs dissolves.
They are made to feel guilty if they speak up for themselves, or indeed even speak their own mind in some instances. They are blamed for everything that happens. They walk on eggshells, giving an alcoholic a wide berth, only to find themselves mowed down anyway. They find themselves in one-sided relationships where they give more than they receive. They fill in the emotional blanks when their alcoholic loved one doesn’t respond to them the way a “normal” person would.
Setting Boundaries to Cope with a Manipulating Alcoholic
If you can relate to any of the above, you are probably being emotionally manipulated. There are things you can do for yourself to minimize the pain you feel, but you cannot change any alcoholic’s behavior. It is not your fault he behaves this way, you can’t control his behavior, and you cannot cure the disease of alcoholism. These are the Three C’s of Al-Anon.
Your first priority is to ask yourself how you are contributing to the level of manipulation you are experiencing. Do you argue with an alcoholic? Do you defend yourself even though the “charges against you” are unfounded? Do you preach and lecture? Do you hide liquor or pour it out? Do you make threats you won’t carry out? Do you use the “if you loved me” approach?
Stop these behaviors immediately. They only feed more emotion into the situation. Instead, calmly state what you are observing. Stay out of emotion. For example, when a situation begins to heat up, simply say “You are getting frustrated with me.” Then stop talking. Walk away. Continue the discussion at a later time. You have the right to do this; you are not required to argue.
If you need to confront an alcoholic, report your feelings in a non-emotional way instead of scolding or nagging. For example, you might say “When you leave dirty clothes all over the bedroom floor, I feel like a servant.” This is a non-confrontational way to express your feelings.
Remember that setting boundaries is hard work. It takes patience, self-knowledge and persistence to distance yourself emotionally from an alcoholic’s manipulation. Al-Anon can help you as you learn to honor your own needs and find balance in your life. Go to meetings, read the literature, and get a sponsor. Eventually you will regain your self-esteem and detach from the emotional trickery that is so common among alcoholics.
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