Creating a Happy Blended Family
Stepparent Tips for Healthy Interaction and Bonding With Stepchildren
Jul 14, 2009
No one wants to be viewed as "The Wicked Stepmother" or the "Jeckyl and Hyde" stepfather. It's important to understand that a blended family (also called a stepfamily) has its own unique set of behaviors and dynamics. The expectations that that existed in the original family need to be examined and likely re-negotiated for the new family.
What is a Blended Family?
A blended family exists when one spouse loses a partner to death or divorce, then later marries another who also has children from a previous marriage or relationship. The new family includes the children from one or both of the previous households.
Potential Blended Family Problems
This situation presents unique adjustments and the potential for problems and conflict. Kids often feel left out of their parent's decisions and new relationship, and are apprehensive and confused about how their lives will change in this new family. Will they get along with their new siblings? Will the rules of the house change? Where will their place be in the structure of the family? What if the new stepparent is mean, unfair or plays favorites?
Also, the new spouses will likely have different views and behaviors when it comes to parenting; the household rules, roles and boundaries in the first family could be entirely different from those in the second family.
Open communication and negotiation early in the blended family's bonding process can help clarify the expectations in the newly-established household. Kids should be included in this process, if they are old enough, so that they have an opportunity to talk about their thoughts, concerns and feelings, and provide their own input and ideas about what this new family should look like and how it should operate day-to-day.
Step Parents are Not Replacements
A child's biological mother and father cannot be replaced, and it's crucial that a stepparent never portray themselves as the "new Mom" or the "new Dad." This just sets the stepparent up to be resented by both the children and the biological mother or father.
Similarly, the child should not have to call the stepparent "Mom" or "Dad;" this should only happen on the child's timeline, if at all.
Support the Children, Don't Change Them
A parent needs to be accepting of the stepchild and not be in the role of disciplinarian; this is the job of the biological parent, and the stepparent's job is to support her in setting limits.
As a stepparent, it's easy to believe that, as a parent, you are a superior to the ex-spouse, and therefore are able to transform or reform the child. While the ex-spouse might not have been a great parent, attempting to rescue or change the stepchild isn't a good idea. The stepparent's primary role should be simply another adult support person for the child.
Practice Patience as a Stepparent
Forming a bond with new stepchildren will take months, or even years. This is not the kind of relationship that can be rushed or forced; it must evolve naturally.
It's usually best to initially strive for mutual respect and friendship with a stepchild, and then allow the relationship to blossom as trust grows, pleasant experiences are shared, and a new family history is created.
Expect Some Rejection from Stepchildren
Stepchildren over the age of 10 are likely to take a very long time to fully accept a stepparent. They need to size up the stepparent from a distance, observing his actions, reactions and other behaviors in order to gauge his trustworthiness and safety. The stepparent needs to provide kindness, consistency, and emotional support to the wary stepchild, and should not take her stand-offish behavior to heart.
Expect More Jealousy in a Blended Family
Blended families can typically expect jealousy to be a regular visitor in their household, at least for the first few years. The kids might become jealous of their parent's new partner. The husband's children and the wife's children might become jealous of each other, thinking they are no longer "the favorite."
In some cases, the new spouse might become jealous of the relationship between her partner and his children. Blended families need to be ready to deal with feelings of jealousy in an upfront, logical and non-reactive way; this is something that should not be swept under the carpet, as it would likely worsen over time.
Create a Safe Environment
Children in a stepfamily are likely grieving the loss of the old family, or having problems adjusting to the new family. Either of these topics, or a myriad of other emotional issues, could very well come up in the form of anger or tears. Such feelings should not be dismissed or punished. The stepparent does not need to react or respond, but should listen with her heart.
Spend Alone Time With Each Child
Every day that it's possible, one of the parents should spend time alone with each of the children. Play a game of cards, go out for ice cream, walk the dog - it's not important what a parent does in terms of an activity, as long as the time is consistent, supportive, and provides an opportunity for one-on-one communication. This is how bonds are created!
Get Help When Blending a Family
Friends, support groups, grandparents, aunts, uncles, counselors and clergy can all offer assistance and an opportunity to vent frustrations. Blending families is difficult, but it doesn't have to be done without a circle of support.
As a result of the challenges and pressures associated with a blended family, it's easy to focus on the children and their adjustment issues, forgetting about each other. The partnership needs frequent attention and tender loving care to strengthen the bond and create a loving container for the family.
Spend quiet time together talking in the morning before the kids get up, or have weekly dates without the children (this can be as simple as a walk or a picnic). A strong and loving relationship between the parents will benefit everyone in the household.
NOTE: The terms "he," "she," "husband" and "wife" are not intended to exclude alternative family situations.
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